April 29, 2016

Reacting To My Baby Videos From 1991.

 There has been a huge part of my life missing from when I moved away from South Africa and that is photographs, memories of my dad and me as a baby. We could not bring all our photos with us because of the weight in the suitcases which upset me and still does. All those memories gone,forever that you cannot get back. I so wish I could, it would make my life. I grew up In south Africa with my dads side of the family and my mom. I lived there for 15 years before moving back to England with my brother and my mom.
 I could not wait to receive my dvds in the post from my moms tapes, which she kept for years and recently nearly threw them away. I am so pleased she didn't because these tapes mean so much to me. I'm not ready for a baby but seeing my mom at 26 (i'm 25 next month) which is close to my age with me as a baby has made me feel so emotional. Look at me its so weird to watch me on the tv as a 5 month old baby and me being 24. 
 My mom is the best she has been through so much that I really admire her for. My dad was violent to her and he was an alcoholic for years. Over the next ten years I saw so much violence towards my mom and so much alcohol which is why I think I don't drink. My dad ended up in cells for beating up my mom many times and he ended up in A&E more times than I can count on my fingers. Saying this I remember some good memories of my dad which are slowly fading because i've not seen him for 15 years. I recently saw a photo of him and to me looks like a stranger which hurt my heart more than anything. 
 What made me happy about these videos I could see my granddad who was the love of our family and he adored me, my mom and my brother. He died when I was 7 or 8 and it broke my heart. Seeing him so well in the videos made me so happy, I can keep these dvds for life with his face in them. I grew up in my grandparents house for years, i used to visit every week many times and we would play scrabble and play in the garden with their dogs. In this photo I am wearing my dad hat which I remember him keeping for years.
 This is my granddad he was amazing and a person who was a big part of my childhood and I will never forget him. Having this photo/ footage of him is everything to me. Rob says he looks like he could be in a bond film which made me laugh because he would be perfect as he always dressed smart. 
 The person on the right is my dad, I only have one picture of him and thats  me and him just after I was born. This is how I remember him and I wish he took a different path for himself, I do worry about him still. I was a twin, my sister died an hour after birth so I also wonder what it would have been like if she was here, I wish she was. Bbqs are a big part of being a south African, I grew up on them when we sat outside in the beautiful sunshine. My dad always wore polo shirts and shorts so this photo to me is him.
 My grandparents 
 I'm not ready for a baby but seeing my mom with me makes me wonder when is it time for me to have my own children. Seeing my footage of being a baby is so special, when I have children I want to record them for them to have something special to keep. It means so much to me even though this is only an hour or so long film. The Michalaks are doing an amazing thing for their son, i cannot imagine what he would do when he sees all the footage when he grows up. Its something so special, to have forever to keep. 

This is my mom at the age of 26, she is stunning. I sent her this picture and she is so shocked how much was on the tapes. She is my rock and always will be, she has gone through so much and deserves all the best in her life now. I am so happy to have this footage of her hugging and kissing me. She holds me so tight, like she won't ever let me get hurt. 

I have to admit it hurts me even more now that my dad left us, my mom leaving his abuse was needed she is amazing and such a kind person. So the memories hurt me more than ever these days than it did as a child. It almost ruined my childhood, no child should see their mom get beat black and blue or even go through depression. There were happy times its just so hard to see them through so much pain so having the footage of my family at a bbq having fun is something to treasure. This has helped me try move on from the past, this is my time to enjoy my family, my mom, brother and to make my life better. We as a family are strong to get through so much in our past, we work hard and we are kind. 

Seeing some small footage of my dad means I can remember his face, some good times because alcohol is a demon it takes over and  he was addicted to it. I never thought that he was a bad person, he was struggling and I wish him the best for years to come. 

Before I ramble on I want to say thank you if you read this and thanks for all the support you give my blog. My blog is my rock and it helps me get feeling out like this and to create happy memories. This has encouraged me to start filming my dogs and one day my own children, so I have memories like this too.



  1. What a truly moving post abi! How lovely to look back on memories that had begun to fade... Your mum sounds like an absolute angel. Xxxx


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